4/21/2007: Orange Bottles/Silver Cans, http://orangebottles.blogspot.com/

Do you like crude but clever prose about sex and life? I certainly do, and that’s why I love orange bottles/silver cans.

Tina Ballerina is the author of orange bottles, which started out as Hookers on Stilts. The name itself is a testament to how kick ass this girl is. Her posts are often shocking but usually include a tiny hint of something you can relate to. Like the time she announced she’d narrowed her man search to bartenders, men in uniform, and high school boys. Who doesn’t like the thought of free drinks all night from your lover behind the bar? Of course, her reasons include efficiency, but somewhere in there we’re on the same page.

Here’s an example of her brilliance:

Dirty Babe

I need a shower. No, no, not that kind. Like most people who carry unbearable burdens of shame I’m obsessively clean. Two 1-hour showers a day, five different kinds of soap. You could eat off me.

I need a bridal shower. I am moving into my very own real one bedroom apartment, by myself, no roommates. The first since 1998. I have nothing but my bed, dresser and some old towels. No dishes, no couch, no TV or TV stand, no coffeemaker, no wastebasket for the bathroom, nothing. And seriously, I’m broke ever since I took down my “W4M 31 Sugar Baby Sooooo Horny” ad on Craigslist.

I had my first bridal shower when I was 19. It was in a Lutheran church basement in Anoka, MN. At the time I was rocking this sort of punk-Lolita-urchin vibe, so my mom had to buy me an outfit. She got me a short sleeved sweater and a long rayon skirt from the Limited. The trim on the sweater matched the fabric of the skirt. It was something Kelly Taylor would wear and of course I supplied the (as Sarah would say) signature Kelly Taylor bershon look. I was completely high and some lady from the church came in like, 15 times to tell me not to smoke while I was opening my presents. Whose shower is this? Yeah, well allow me to pass the loofah…exactly where you need it, Phyllis.

I got a ton of shit that day and all I had to do was wear a hideous outfit and eat tuna fish macaroni salad. Oh, and get married to a douchebag later. But I didn’t need any of that crap then. Duties of a 19 year old wife include drinking Robo and watching porno. Waffle iron = superfluous.

I am so starting a movement to have breakup showers. Whoever gets ousted from the happy homestead gets a party with bachelor/ette pad necessities. We can play toilet paper divorcee. Seriously, I’d play toilet paper divorcee jerks you off for a coffeemaker at this point. You don’t want to know what I’ll do for an Ikea gift card.

Visit orange bottles for her style, wit and boldness. Keep reading for her humor, candor and obvious sex appeal. You’ll either fall in love or fall in lust. Either way, you’ll be hooked.

4/3/2007: Que Sera Sera, http://queserasera.org/

Que Sera Sera is authored by Sarah Brown and is by far my favorite blog. A writer living in New York, Sarah has interesting friends, interesting experiences, and a writing style so unique that turning away is easier said than done. She gives you an inside look into her artistic mind through descriptive language, blunt truths, and brilliant musings, and you can’t help but want to be her best friend. Que Sera Sera has been around for a long time (her current site lists archives back to 2001), and if you care to read back far enough, you’ll learn about her escapades living in Oklahoma and her transition to becoming a full-time writer. She also hosts Cringe, which is a fabulous monthly reading series where people from all over come to a bar in Brooklyn and read entries from their teenage diaries. The fact that she is the founder of this brave, albeit embarrassing, endeavor is a testament to her lack of fear of creativity.

Here is a sample:

This must be the place

It isn’t a Brown family Christmas until someone’s taken a cigarette burn to the eyelid and someone else has told you about their near-death experience in the hospital while they carve the turkey. We just finished opening presents at 3:30 in the afternoon, all the while listening to the Talking Heads and eating cream cheese straight from the brick. I’m about to settle in for a long winter’s watching of Shaun of the Dead with my brother. (Movies my brother has watched in the past 48 hours: Deer Hunter, Roadhouse, Gremlins 2, Swing Time.) I have not changed out of my pajamas yet and have no intention of doing so. I very sincerely hope that every single one of you is as happy and content as I am right this minute. Merry Christmas.

Visit Que Sera Sera. You won’t be disappointed.

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