The Explanation You’ve Been Waiting For Wednesday, Sep 12 2007

My makeup looks better smeared. Ok from nervous hands, better from happy tears.

So I’ve been MIA for quite a while. I have good reasons, so for all you hanging on pins and needles for my every word, don’t get angry just yet. Both of my reasons are lovely and favorable, by the way.

Reason number one: “And now, now, I have a boyfriend!” (Kelly from The Office. Watch it, love it.) I have a fantastic boyfriend who is, somehow, incredibly kind and funny and cute and pretty much just overall glorious. He digs me being a writer, so it’s not like he’s stopping me from entering LuckyRenee Land (ah, that there were such a place) but our work schedules allow us to hang out all the time, so it’s hard to squeeze in a post when I can be making out.

Your work schedule, Renee?

And BAM, reason number two: I got a job. A kick ass job, actually. Where I use my exact degree and everyone is extremely smart. (That’s all I ask, really. I just want to use my talents and not be surrounded by dumbasses.) I won’t tell you which company exactly, but let’s just say I spend my tremendously flexible working hours (yayfer sending emails in my pjs!) writing, researching and being creative. Hello perfection. This also means, however, that when I spend hours writing for work everyday, I don’t especially want to come here and write more for fun.

Unfortunately (for you) and fortunately (for me) the summary goes like this: great guy, great job, no posting in favor of making out and working. But I beg you, dear readers, to not abandon me just yet. The fall (my favorite season of all time) brings out the best in me so you can rest assured that I’ll continue in full force soon enough. Until then, I promise to make an appearance more than once every trillion years.

3 Responses »

 

supermodel Monday, Jun 11 2007

he said she was perfect
not everybody thinks that
not everyone wants a supermodel
on their arm
not everyone waits
for the perfect girl
but he does and he will
i wonder how that will end
he says her eyes are like the forest
her eyes are like the earth
he says her hair is beautiful and
her smile lights up the world
so odd to be someone’s whole world
he says he’ll marry her
buy her a big ring and
give her what she needs
how could she
ever say no
what a beauty she’ll be
when they walk in a room
what will they say
“she must have something special”
“he must have something grand”
“i can’t believe they’re still in love
how unlikely
i thought they were
just friends”

- rm, 2.4.2002

Leave a Response »

 

Sex, Lies and (Hopefully) No Videotape Friday, May 25 2007

“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem

Some honesty has certainly pissed me off lately. I often pride myself on being candid and straightforward and all “never choose someone’s feelings over honesty!” But I’m not a monster and even I know that there are just certain things you don’t say out loud. Like, “you are never going to fit in where you’re planning to move” or “haven’t you gained some weight?” or, and here’s the clincher, “I told you for months and months that she and I never did anything sexual but that wasn’t entirely true.” The first two are just rude, but are you kidding me with that last one?!?! Like it was my ex’s job today to make sure that last little kick in the teeth really knocked me on my ass. And it doesn’t even bother me for the reason you think (well, a little bit for the reason you think – I do straight up hate the girl.) It mostly bothers me because we’ve had an understanding for damn near a year now where we spare each other these sorts of details and pretend it doesn’t happen. I HATE this particular system because I like to put things on the table so everyone can just get over it. Yet I’ve been withholding specifics out of respect. Apparently all bets were off today when he dropped a few bombs such as the aforementioned. I could have responded with a gamut of equally devastating facts and figures, but I didn’t. I still fucking didn’t. Am I too much of a lady to reveal such particulars? Nah, probably not. Am I too nice? That can’t be it. Please don’t tell me that I’m still in love with him, because my mother will have a heart attack.

You can tell me that I’ll never fit in. You can point out my extra pounds. But the details of a past lover’s sex life I can more than do without.

7 Responses »

 

“I don’t wants it, I needs it!”, aka “A Need is a Responsibility” Wednesday, May 16 2007

I’ve always been told that your true friends are the ones you can call at 4 in the morning. Which doesn’t mean that you will, but you could, you know, and that suggests a friendship that goes deeper than convenience.

Well, tonight’s mini-crisis didn’t come with an untimely hour attached to it, but I did find myself in a time of need right around 9:30 tonight. Earlier in the evening, my mother and I had to whisk my grandfather away to the emergency room. Long story short, I’m pretty sure he had a stroke. I was there mostly for my mom, the only of his 3 daughters to show up, even though they all live about 5 minutes from the hospital, but that’s whole other can of worms. Either way, we were there for over 6 hours and it was exhausting. Towards the end of the night, I was elected to run to my grandpa’s house to get his medication. I had to go alone and a dark, empty house is scary late at night, so I figured my best defense was to be on the phone in case a criminal was waiting for me in the living room. (Made sense to me.) I had a phone full of numbers that I could have dialed but I only called one. I didn’t call the long-time love and I didn’t bother the Jeopardy boy, but someone else entirely, who happened to fall in between the two chronologically and whom you can read all about in the LuckyRenee archives from about September 2005 until September 2006. Anyway, it sounds trite, but I had to be on the phone at that exact moment. I just needed it.

So why did I call him?

I’m not sure, actually. Maybe because he’s one of the few people I know who you can call without an explanation of why you’re calling, or perhaps because I know we can always make up something to talk about and it’s not a struggle. Who the fuck knows? What I do know is that I needed someone and he was there. And that my family and I have a long road ahead helping my grandpa with recovery. And that hospitals make me anxious. Ugh.

5 Responses »

 

My Emotional Clusterfuck Monday, May 14 2007

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, and the reason is twofold: 1) my parent’s house gets shitty internet, and 2) I’ve been busy organizing my personal possessions instead of my inner thoughts (for a change). Unfortunately, I was under the impression that cleaning out the drawers in my childhood bedroom would be completely separate from emotional feeling, but I was so so wrong. See, I was in love with this one guy for about 6 years. We were best friends, we dated, we were gearin’ up for the long-term and then it magically didn’t work out, as things in my life are prone to do. And every picture, card, concert ticket, you name it, reminded me of him. I don’t especially want to hold on to everything – let the past be the past – but at the same time what if someday somehow we get back together and then I have nothing to show my grandchildren? Plus, I still miss him even though we’ve been broken up since like 2005. And THEN, to top it all off, my most recent ex – my Jeopardy boy – texted me last night! Because obviously he didn’t want to be with me but he somehow still likes me enough to think of me on a random Sunday night even though we live 500 miles away from each other.

I’m not sure if I miss the people so much or just the feeling of being wanted and loved. Face it, it’s depressing when something good happens to you (like you randomly get a silver and diamond necklace for graduation from some good family friends) and you have no one to be happy for you except for your parents, which is doubly depressing because you are currently living in their house and every time you walk to your car you have to justify where you’re going. And even a new guy in my life wouldn’t do me any good because I’m just going to pick up and leave in a few weeks anyway.

The whole thing, my whole life, is an emotional clusterfuck. Zeus save me.

7 Responses »

 

Fuck You, I’m Going East Wednesday, Apr 25 2007

I’m afraid to tell my ex-boyfriend that I’m moving to New York.

Oh, by the way, I’m moving to New York. Kind of.

I have an interview there in a few weeks that I’m flying out for. But regardless of whether or not I get the job, I’m still moving out there permanently by the end of May. “Out there” to me means “the east coast” but translates to “New York” when I tell people but is actually really Connecticut. I’m going to be staying with a friend for a time while I figure out job stuff and how I’m going to pay for an apartment in the city on a tiny salary.

Back to the ex.

He and I were in love and dated for forever and ever and all that sappy jazz. Things didn’t work out when he moved to the west coast after his college graduation. My college graduation was scheduled for a very long two years later. So we broke up and since then the few times a year I talk to him all I hear is lectures on how I need to leave the midwest and branch out on my own, etc. So now that I am, you’d think I’d be chopping at the bit to tell him.

Wrong.

The problem is that I don’t for sure have a job there yet. The problem is that I don’t have a place to call home when I get there, just a friend’s house where I get to pretend for a while. The problem is that I don’t have very much money and I’m kind of winging it. And he’ll ask questions, of course, questions that make me feel stupid even though I think I’m being brave and adventurous.

But uh! I do want to tell him. I want to say, “Oh you went west? Well fuck you ‘cause I’m going east and you should want me back” (even though I don’t want him back) “because I’m amazing.”

It’s a tangled web we weave.

Maybe I’ll just call him when I’m walking down Madison Avenue one lovely afternoon after I’m all settled and happy and tell him he was right, getting out of the midwest was a fabulous idea.

It will be fabulous, right?

6 Responses »

 

6th Grade All Over Again Monday, Apr 23 2007

Today I thought about Jason, my boyfriend in 6th grade. Jason and I “went out” for 4 months. I didn’t recall our relationship because of his cute smile or strawberry blond hair, but because it was with him that I experienced my first “mutual” break up. Of course, breaking up is never mutual because one person always brings it up first and/or wants it more. In this case, it was him. We were sitting on rolled up wrestling mats waiting for gym class to start, and it was somehow decided that we were no longer together. I remember telling everyone that it was mutual, knowing that I still wanted to be with him. I think I considered it mutual only because I didn’t bother to fight back when he said he wanted to break up.

And now, even though I’m 22 years old, it’s 6th grade all over again. In a few weeks, my boyfriend and I will officially break up. He’s going to St. Louis to be an investment banker, and I’m, well, not going to St. Louis. I don’t explicitly tell anyone that it’s a mutual decision, but I imply it. I have no idea why. The truth is that he doesn’t want a serious relationship while he’s starting all of his i-banker analyst business. Which is fair. Sometimes I’m cool with it, like when he freaks out if the kitchen isn’t cleaned up 25 seconds after we’re done eating, or when he goes on a rant about how he hates everyone ever. But mostly I just think with a great sense of defeat that I am losing my adorable, intelligent, Jeopardy-playing boyfriend. No more spooning while watching stupid movies. No more “good morning, Sunshine” beginning everyday. Six months of inside jokes down the toilet. Fuck.

I just hope New York is swarming with Prince Charmings.

5 Responses »