“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem
Some honesty has certainly pissed me off lately. I often pride myself on being candid and straightforward and all “never choose someone’s feelings over honesty!” But I’m not a monster and even I know that there are just certain things you don’t say out loud. Like, “you are never going to fit in where you’re planning to move” or “haven’t you gained some weight?” or, and here’s the clincher, “I told you for months and months that she and I never did anything sexual but that wasn’t entirely true.” The first two are just rude, but are you kidding me with that last one?!?! Like it was my ex’s job today to make sure that last little kick in the teeth really knocked me on my ass. And it doesn’t even bother me for the reason you think (well, a little bit for the reason you think – I do straight up hate the girl.) It mostly bothers me because we’ve had an understanding for damn near a year now where we spare each other these sorts of details and pretend it doesn’t happen. I HATE this particular system because I like to put things on the table so everyone can just get over it. Yet I’ve been withholding specifics out of respect. Apparently all bets were off today when he dropped a few bombs such as the aforementioned. I could have responded with a gamut of equally devastating facts and figures, but I didn’t. I still fucking didn’t. Am I too much of a lady to reveal such particulars? Nah, probably not. Am I too nice? That can’t be it. Please don’t tell me that I’m still in love with him, because my mother will have a heart attack.
You can tell me that I’ll never fit in. You can point out my extra pounds. But the details of a past lover’s sex life I can more than do without.
(Lucky)Renee 
If he’s such an ass to tell you things like that, then he’s not worth bothering about and there is no point wasting time trying to get a few homely truths across to him.
Anyway, think of it this way, if you did tell him what you think, he might actually learn from it and become a better person. As it is, he doesn’t know, so he can’t learn, so he’ll remain a jerk…… you win…. he looses
“Please don’t tell me that I’m still in love with him”
You never really fall out of love with people, so if you have to question it, you probably weren’t in love with him to begin with. Sometimes you pile on other emotions, like a lot more hate or disgust. This doesn’t diminish the love there, but the bad stuff overpowers the good and makes it impossible to live with the person. But like I said the love is still there.
I’ve only read a couple of your posts so far and your about thingy; I cannot figure out why you are talking to someone you refer to as your EX. You say you haven’t been married, but I thought maybe you have a kid with this guy. But even if this is the case, that doesn’t mean you have to be lectured by him, or listen to his opinions. And if he is an EX with no strings attached, set him free and find yourself a better hobby than strolling down memory lane.
Just to clear a few things up:
– All my “exes” are simply ex-boyfriends. And I don’t have any kids.
– I still talk to several of my exes, even the ones that piss me off from time to time. This is because I have fun taste in men and many of them I enjoy reminiscing and/or fighting with. Except when they tell me things I don’t want to hear. And sometimes even then.
– I am unemployed. If I can’t sit around and ponder what went wrong (and is still going wrong) with my exes, then what am I living for?
🙂
Well, to be honest sometimes sucks. But taking to lies sucks more.
Renee, I agree, if more people sat and pondered what went wrong, the world would be a better place, but unfortunately “Man” has a habbit of forgetting thinks that go wrong and just moves on forwards like a stone rolling downhill.
I’m not gonna offer you any advice about your ex. I was always crap when it came to dating, and then mysteriously everything worked and I got married. (Plus, I don’t wanna give away any man secrets. Sorry, you gotta know the handshake.)
I made a point of being on good terms with exes, but I couldn’t care less what they’re up to. I hope it all works out for them. And I really hope nobody introduces themselves to me as my son or daughter in the next decade or so.
I’m more interested in the debate on unfiltered truth vs. somebody’s feelings. My approach is more complicated equation, which is generally biased heavily by how I feel at that moment. If I’m tired, or the person isn’t worth the time to deliver the honesty-carpet bomb, I’ll stick to a subtle back-handed compliment. (No, that doesn’t make your butt look big, but you’d probably be more comfortable in a larger size.) Usually I’m far too lazy, and there’s far too little in it for me to deliver harsh truths. Hmmm… I guess that wasn’t that complicated after all. 🙂
“I appreciate people who are civil, whether they mean it or not. I think: Be civil. Do not cherish your opinion over my feelings. There’s a vanity to candor that isn’t really worth it. Be kind.”
— Richard Greenberg